I recently happened upon this book:
And had to have it. I anxiously awaited it's arrival from Amazon and when it came I read through it in one sitting (okay two but only because I was late for work). Eric Ruhalter has created words to describe things kids (and parents) do. Hilarious. Even the stuff my kids haven't done I could relate to. Some because I remember doing it as a kid. I have picked out some of my favorites (I shortened the list considerably, there are so many favorites!) and put some of them with stories from our family.
NEWTON'S EXCEPTION (NOO-tuhn's ek-SEPT-shun) n : The explanation to one's child that a helium balloon lost outside is never coming back.
FULLISH (FUHL-ish) adj : Too full to eat more carrots, yet fully prepared to consume an ice-cream sundae.
INVISIBOOBOO (in-VIZ-uh-boo-boo) n : The site on a child's body where you unnecessarily applied a bandage to appease him when he got hurt, even though no blood ever appeared.
When trying to pick a middle name for Finley I gave it the "Maddress Test" (I of course didn't have a name for it then) where I yelled his first and middle name together to make sure it rolled off the tongue with ease.
FREAK OF NURTURE (FREEK UHV NUR-chuhr) n : A child who, without prompting, wants to eat well-balanced meals and avoid junk food, get enough sleep and exercise, and realizes the value of his education.
WE'LL SEE (WEE-uhl SEE) interj : No.
Yep.
CLANDESDINE (klan-DES-dyne) v : To hide from one's child while eating a cookie so he doesn't ask for one too.
Guilty. I am queen bee of this one. Also when caught I lie. "Mommy, what you eaten'?" "Vegetables."
GARBOFLAGE (GAHR-boh-flajh) v : To hide a piece of your child's artwork under other trash in the wastebasket so she doesn't catch you throwing it away.
I also got caught here. I threw away his Valentine's Day box from school (with the Valentines still in there) "Mommy, whats this doing in here?" "Oh. It must have fallen from the counter into the trash! Here lets get it out and wipe it off." 3 days later I tried again. This time successful.
SHTUNKER (SHTUN-kur) n : A child who puts something in the toilet that doesn't belong there.
This may be one of my all time favorite stories. Myles came down stairs and threw his stuffed monkey on Brian's lap. Brian started to say, "Why is your monkey all wet?" At the same time Myles said, "My monkey go potty!"
FOOFONT (foo-Fahnt) n : A child who still has bed head around dinnertime.
Myles.
WHYARRHEA (WHY-uh-REE-uh) n : An inquisitive toddler's chain of questions rattled off in rapid-fire succession.
YUPPING (YUP-ping) v : To acknowledge what your two-year-old is communicating to you when you have no idea what he's trying to say.
This is yet another one we don't get away with. Myles will keep repeating himself until you say back to him exactly what he said. "mruhcarr owin tup ahuull." "oh yeah? That's neat." "No! mruhcarr owin tup ahuull." "Oh yeah. Cool." "No, mruhcarr owin tup ahuull, MOMMY." "Oh you're looking up the hill?" "mruhcarr owin tup ahuull." "The car is going up the hill?" "Yeeeaaahhh."
CURDLER (KURD-lur) n : A sippy cup once containing milk that has been lost under a piece or furniture for several weeks.
DISCOOLIFICATION (dis-COOL-i-fuh-KAY-shun) n : A parent's gradual transformation from being his child's hero to his greatest source of embarrassment.
I secretly cannot wait for this to happen. I look forward with great enthusiasm to embarrassing my children. A friend once said she saw a mom taking her kid to high school on a tandem bike. HA! Great idea! I want to try it. We will also pick them up blaring some lame old music we still think is cool such as Black Eyed Peas "My Humps." I welcome other ideas. Teenage years are gonna rock.
A.M. FREEZE (ay-em FREEZ) n : The early morning hope, upon hearing a stirring infant or toddler, that if you stay perfectly still and quiet he will go back to sleep. (Never in history of parent kind has this worked).
I do this EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. And, after three babies, I have had one fall back asleep. Once. The day I embraced it, got up and made a bottle. I tell you, my life is ironic.
RIDICRIMAND (ree-DIK-ruh-mand) v : To make a preposterously emprty threat (e.g., "If you don't stop that right now... no more air!")
My favorite that still comes back to haunt me is, "Fine, if you don't put one your shoes.... you can stay home with the dog." To the point that I have left each one (on separate occasions) inside started the car and backed out of the garage, because they wanted to stay home with the dog. I don't recommend this. It doesn't end pretty.
DEFRAMATION (DE-frum-MAY-shun) n : The sharp decline in photos and videos taken of your second child relative to the amount taken of your first.
Now I have my iPhone. So number 3 has just as many as number 1. Poor Myles.
ASSPLOSION (ass-PLOH-zhuhn) n : When a baby poops with such tremendous force that the diaper cannot contain it and the poop shoots all the way up the back.
I purposely saved this one for last. If you don't want to read about my child's experience with this, I suggest you stop reading here. We met my in-laws for lunch downtown. 45 minutes away. In winterish weather. Didn't bother to bring a diaper bag (I hate diaper bags leave them behind whenever possible, don't remember if this trip was intentional or accidental. I assume accidental.). We were finishing up lunch when I smelled it. I went to check and put my hand on Myles's back when it started to bubble up the back of the diaper. I don't know why it bubbled, but it did. I asked for napkins and started wiping but it kept coming! Finally, I grabbed him to take him to the bathroom. No extra diapers. No extra clothes. No wipes. Brian went to our car in search of a spare diaper floating around, his dad went to his car for a blanket they had. My mother-in-law and I took Myles to the bathroom. I carried him on his stomach. A waitress tried to stop me, "Oh! How cute, he's an airplane!" I just pushed past her. There was no warm water in the bathroom so we cleaned him off with cold industrial strength paper towels and wrapped him in a blanket. (Thankfully, we had an extra diaper in the car). There wasn't a piece of his clothing that didn't have poop on it including his shoes. I feel bad for whoever cleaned his highchair. In summary, Myles's assplosion was the rival of all other assplosions.
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